Friendships are hard these days. I keep meeting and talking to people who say they have a hard time meeting and keeping friends. I feel like this is a new phenomenon. I swear the landscape of friendships has changed as recently as 5 years ago. Blaming social media would be easy, but the thing is that's just a cop out. Somehow along the way, real people in front of you have started to matter less. At the end of this blog post, I'm giving you tips on how to have better friendships and how to be a better friend yourself. We can't take all of the blame for our bad friendships, but we are never going to have good ones if we don't do our part.
Just recently Savannah and I ended a friendship of 5 + years, and we did not take the decision lightly. For a long time we had been feeling that these friends would wait to commit to hanging with us to make sure another better offer didn't come along. At the end of the day, we had to realize that these friends just didn't like us enough. That's a harsh reality, but you shouldn't constantly feel unsure if you own friends even like you. Or for that matter if you even like your own friends. With all of that said, we didn't really communicate our feelings about this. We own our part in the demise of that relationship. In the end, too much damage was done, and there was no trust left.
With all of this being said, what is in our control is what kind of friend we are. In the end, we have to be the best versions of ourselves and part of that is treating our friends well. So here's how to be a better friend...
6 WAYS TO BE A BETTER FRIEND
1. Don't be that friend. First you need to assess if you are the bad friend we are addressing above. Are you the reason that you don't have good friendships? Are you always flaking out on people? Are you constantly flaking out on one particular friend? If so, then you need to evaluate that friendship. Maybe it's time to move on. Do a little soul searching.
2. Say yes and mean it. For crying out loud, to quote the Bible here- "...let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no"..."( James 5:12) Period. This is how you build trust. Don't tell people what you think they want to hear. I promise you all people want to hear is the truth. If you aren't gonna show up, don't say you are. When you get in the habit of doing this, your friends will never trust the things that you say. Be the kind of person someone can depend on. That's so much better than being someone no one believes.
3. Friendships are built on coffee- or brunch or cocktails. Asking someone to coffee (or whatever) is stress free and everyone can spare an hour if they want to. It's scary to ask someone you don't know very well to do something, but the worst thing they can say is no. I know that's cliche, but it's cliche for a reason. If they say no, cut ties and move on but keep trying. You're not going to like everyone you have coffee with or you might like them but a friendship isn't in the works for you. That's ok. I can honestly say I've never regretted getting coffee with someone. Attitude is everything. Approach people as if you have something to learn from them because you do. Everyone can teach you something. You might be surprised who you end up being friends with.
4. Holler at your girl. Communicate with your friends. I mean this goes without saying- or so you would think. One of the major problems in the relationship Savannah + I ended recently was that we didn't communicate well. We totally own up to our part in that. However, we never felt like we really could lay out our problems to these friends. Your friends can't read your mind and you can't be mad at them if you never tell them what's going on. Also, don't just communicate when things are bad. Tell your friends how much you appreciate them. This is hard for me in particular. I don't tell Savannah I like her enough :) Everyone is busy but you can shoot out an email or text message or whoa- a real card- to let your friend know you are thinking about them. The longer you go without communicating the harder it is to reach out. So don't let it get that far. Don't only talk when you are together. Let your friendship be a part of your daily life.
5. "Marry" your friends. This is heavy and I don't think most people think of friendships in this way, but if you want real solid/ride or die friendships, you have to be committed like a marriage. There have been a few times I wanted to tell Savannah, peace out, but I didn't because I'm committed to being her friend for the long haul. Real lasting friendships don't come easy and you are going to have conflict. I had a pastor once tell me that a relationship can't really last until after you've survived 2 conflicts. This is so true, because if you aren't committed then you can just walk away. You'll never have that next level #friendgoals relationship if you always walk away when it's hard. But if you can stick it our through the conflict, many great things can come out of it. If you can't commit to your friends in that way, then you're the problem. Awwwwwkward.
6. Stop thinking about yourself for a second. At some point in your friendships, you're going to have to be selfless. There is give and take in every relationship, but make sure you aren't doing more taking than giving. (Or more giving than taking.) Sometimes you are going to have to go to a party with your bestie that you don't want to go to. Ask yourself- am I demanding more of my friend than she is demanding of me? Are you only friends with this person because of what she can do for you? Another time for soul searching. You really have to be self-aware to be a good friend and person. If you don't know you are being an ass, then you can't stop being one. Don't look at yourself through rose colored glasses and don't beat yourself up either. There is a happy medium in there and it's called the truth. Know who you really are.
We would love to hear how you are intentionally a good friend! Or maybe how your friends have been good to you. Let us know in the comments!
Peace, Casey
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